Improving self-esteem is a common reason people consider going to therapy. We often feel like we\u2019re \u201cnot good enough,\u201d assume we are the problem, feel uncomfortable with compliments, and wonder how others seem to be \u201cconfident like that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This can sometimes make it feel like self-esteem is a personality trait. Something you either have or you don\u2019t. But my experience has taught me that the way you feel about yourself didn\u2019t just appear out of nowhere. It actually developed over time through experiences, relationships, and the messages you absorbed when you were younger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But your opinion of yourself can change, and it is possible to build a positive image of yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This post explores how therapy can help you build self-esteem. Not through forced positivity or motivational slogans, but through curiosity, compassion, and understanding the different \u201cvoices\u201d that live inside your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The words self-esteem and confidence often get used interchangeably, but confidence is actually only part of the picture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Confidence usually refers to how capable we feel in specific situations (such as public speaking, dating, work performance, social interactions, etc.), while self-esteem often runs deeper. This is more about the overall relationship you have with yourself, and it shows up in questions like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Many people discover that their self-esteem fluctuates depending on the circumstances. You might feel capable and confident at work, but deeply insecure in relationships. You might perform well publicly, but privately you carry a constant sense of not being enough. You might appear confident externally while internally running a harsh commentary about everything you do. It can even depend on whether you\u2019re tired, hungry, or feeling less resourced in general.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I work with people on their self-esteem, the first step is usually to shine on a light on that internal commentary, because the way you speak to yourself matters. It can be really powerful to hear your internal dialogue out loud, and it often quickly reveals how horrible it can sound.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The inner dialogue is the internal voice that comments on what we\u2019re doing throughout the day. Sometimes, this can be confusing, because the word \u201cvoice\u201d can suggest that we\u2019re hearing someone else\u2019s voice in our head, which usually isn\u2019t the case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Your internal dialogue is simply the way you comment on your own behaviour, like a teacher grades her students, or how a narrator makes a joke about the protagonist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes it\u2019s encouraging:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Other times, it can be harsh:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Often it\u2019s so familiar and so well integrated, that we barely even notice it anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But when we do start to pay attention, we might realise something surprising: the voice in our head is often far more critical than we would ever be with another person. It may say things like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If I\u2019m working with someone who has deeply internalised this voice\u2014and isn\u2019t shocked by it, but actually believes it\u2014I often ask whether they would speak that way to a young child. If the person I work with is a parent, I ask if they\u2019d speak that way to their own child. This is often where they pull\u00a0a face and say, \u201cGosh, no, absolutely not.\u201d And it invites an enquiry into why, then, they\u2019d possibly speak to themselves in such a way. For many people, this is their first real insight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Once we\u2019ve familiarised ourselves with the internal dialogue and clarified the lens through which you might see yourself, we then become curious about that lens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Human beings rarely take in information about themselves in a neutral way. We often either label feedback positive or negative, and depending on the way we see ourselves, we accept the things that align with our view of ourselves, and reject the stuff that goes against it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is why people with low self-esteem often feel uncomfortable with compliments\u2014it just doesn\u2019t fit with the idea they have of themselves. For example, if we feel like we\u2019re never good enough, then someone telling us we are<\/em> good enough will likely go over our heads. We\u2019ll either poke holes in the positive feedback by pointing out what we could\u2019ve done better, reject it altogether, or deflect by paying the other person a compliment (because we feel guilty or fraudulent). However, when we have high self-esteem, we can acknowledge that we did well, all the while knowing there are always things to improve upon, but just taking that as learning without attacking ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, if your self-esteem is low and someone tells you:<\/p>\n\n\n\n You might think to yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n In psychological terms, this is sometimes called discounting the positive strokes<\/em>. The praise is there, but the mind filters it out because it doesn\u2019t fit with who you think you are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One helpful way to understand our inner voice comes from Transactional Analysis (TA), a psychological model that explores different \u201cego states\u201d we operate from. According to this theory, our internal world is often shaped by three parts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n These aren\u2019t literal roles, but psychological patterns we learned through relationships, and each has a specific voice attached to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can probably guess which one tends to dominate when self-esteem is low.<\/p>\n\n\n\n These beliefs aren\u2019t chosen deliberately. They often formed in response to early experiences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So what I often try to do with clients is categorise the things they might say to themselves, and see if they can replace it with something that\u2019s more Adult. This way, they can start to mediate between the Critical Parent and the vulnerable Child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Transactional analysis also talks about something called life scripts<\/em>. These are the unconscious narratives about who we are and how the world works. They often develop through repeated messages during childhood. For example, someone might grow up with subtle messages like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Over time, these messages can become internalised. Not necessarily as conscious beliefs, but as assumptions about our identity. This then in turn has an impact on our internal dialogue:<\/p>\n\n\n\n These scripts bleed into all areas of our lives, and can thus shape how we approach relationships, work, success, and even happiness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So then how do we rewrite these scripts?<\/p>\n\n\n\n One intervention I often use is helping people set their own<\/em> expectations, rather than living by someone else\u2019s. Setting your own parameters is a key component in deciding your own worth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This involves exploring your values, what matters to you, and how you want to show up in the world. If something feels harsh or unrealistic, we might question whether an old script is still running. If it feels grounded and aligned, it\u2019s often a sign we\u2019re moving in the right direction. It can be incredibly empowering to finally let go of this idea that you\u2019re \u201cnot good enough,\u201d and start holding yourself accountable to standards that are kinder, more suitable, and are your own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because, ultimately, no one else gets to decide your worth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another thing I often to do is try to have someone build a positive relationship with their Inner Critic. Many of us hate this part of ourselves because of its destructive tendencies, but according to Internal Family Systems (IFS\u2014another psychological framework), there are no bad parts, only parts that are trying to protect us. If someone has developed a particularly fierce inner critic, I will ask if I\u2019m allowed to speak to that part of them, and I will ask why they\u2019re being so hard on my client, and how they think that benefits them. This often reveals that the inner critic usually believes it\u2019s helping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, when it says, \u201cYou\u2019re being so embarrassing,\u201d<\/em> it might be trying to protect you from rejection. Or when it says, \u201cThis isn\u2019t good enough. You need to work harder,\u201d<\/em> they might believe they\u2019re motivating you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In TA terms, this often reflects an overactive Critical Parent, shaming you to keep you safe or by pushing you to perform.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The problem is that constant criticism rarely creates confidence. It usually creates anxiety, shame, or perfectionism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So instead of trying to silence or push away the critic, we start to try and understand its intentions. Then, we can ask it to mellow out and not be so abusive, and start developing a more balanced voice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the most powerful aspects of therapy is something called internalisation<\/em>. Over time, clients often begin to internalise the therapist\u2019s voice. Not in a dependency sense, but in a supportive one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if I consistently respond to you with warmth, curiosity, and compassion, that tone gradually becomes available to you internally. People sometimes tell me they were faced with their inner critic at some point during the week and asked themselves, \u201cWhat would Wes say to me here?\u201d It may sound a bit silly (and a little self-indulgent since I\u2019m the one writing this post), but it\u2019s actually just one of the many ways to access a more compassionate part of yourself. So, now, when a mistake happens, instead of the inner voice saying:<\/p>\n\n\n\n You might think:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Self-esteem isn\u2019t just about thinking positively about yourself. It\u2019s about understanding your internal dialogue, gaining insight into where it may have come from, and then changing the way you speak to yourself to ultimately cultivate a relationship with yourself that is kind and loving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In a nutshell, the work often includes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019ve spent years believing you\u2019re not good enough, it can feel strange\u2014even uncomfortable\u2014to imagine thinking differently about yourself. But, as you can hopefully see now, self-esteem isn\u2019t fixed. It\u2019s shaped by experiences, relationships, and the stories we tell ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And those stories can change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not through pressure or perfection, but through curiosity, compassion, and understanding where those inner voices came from in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Therapy can help you develop a relationship with yourself that feels steadier, kinder, and more realistic. Because the way you speak to yourself matters, and learning to change that conversation can be one of the most powerful shifts you make.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
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Where Our Inner Voice Comes From<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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The Life Scripts We Learn Early<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Deciding Your Own Worth<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Developing a Compassionate Inner Voice<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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You Can Improve Your Self-Esteem<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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If You Struggle With Self-Esteem<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n