Wes Woodland

Improving self-esteem is a common reason people consider going to therapy. We often feel like we’re “not good enough,” assume we are the problem, feel uncomfortable with compliments, and wonder how others seem to be “confident like that.”

This can sometimes make it feel like self-esteem is a personality trait. Something you either have or you don’t. But my experience has taught me that the way you feel about yourself didn’t just appear out of nowhere. It actually developed over time through experiences, relationships, and the messages you absorbed when you were younger.

But your opinion of yourself can change, and it is possible to build a positive image of yourself.

This post explores how therapy can help you build self-esteem. Not through forced positivity or motivational slogans, but through curiosity, compassion, and understanding the different “voices” that live inside your mind.

Self-Esteem Isn’t Just About Confidence

The words self-esteem and confidence often get used interchangeably, but confidence is actually only part of the picture.

Confidence usually refers to how capable we feel in specific situations (such as public speaking, dating, work performance, social interactions, etc.), while self-esteem often runs deeper. This is more about the overall relationship you have with yourself, and it shows up in questions like:

• How do I feel about who I am?
• Do I believe I’m fundamentally good enough?
• Do I treat myself with kindness or with criticism?
• What happens emotionally when someone praises me?
• What happens emotionally when someone criticises me?

Many people discover that their self-esteem fluctuates depending on the circumstances. You might feel capable and confident at work, but deeply insecure in relationships. You might perform well publicly, but privately you carry a constant sense of not being enough. You might appear confident externally while internally running a harsh commentary about everything you do. It can even depend on whether you’re tired, hungry, or feeling less resourced in general.

 When I work with people on their self-esteem, the first step is usually to shine on a light on that internal commentary, because the way you speak to yourself matters. It can be really powerful to hear your internal dialogue out loud, and it often quickly reveals how horrible it can sound.

The Inner Dialogue Most People Don’t Notice

The inner dialogue is the internal voice that comments on what we’re doing throughout the day. Sometimes, this can be confusing, because the word “voice” can suggest that we’re hearing someone else’s voice in our head, which usually isn’t the case.

Your internal dialogue is simply the way you comment on your own behaviour, like a teacher grades her students, or how a narrator makes a joke about the protagonist.

Sometimes it’s encouraging:

• “You handled that really well.”

Other times, it can be harsh:

• “Why did you say that? That was so stupid!”

Often it’s so familiar and so well integrated, that we barely even notice it anymore.

But when we do start to pay attention, we might realise something surprising: the voice in our head is often far more critical than we would ever be with another person. It may say things like:

• “You should be better than this.”
• “You always mess things up.”
• “People will realise you’re not good enough.”
• “You don’t deserve that compliment.”

If I’m working with someone who has deeply internalised this voice—and isn’t shocked by it, but actually believes it—I often ask whether they would speak that way to a young child. If the person I work with is a parent, I ask if they’d speak that way to their own child. This is often where they pull a face and say, “Gosh, no, absolutely not.” And it invites an enquiry into why, then, they’d possibly speak to themselves in such a way. For many people, this is their first real insight.

Once we’ve familiarised ourselves with the internal dialogue and clarified the lens through which you might see yourself, we then become curious about that lens.

How We Filter Feedback About Ourselves

Human beings rarely take in information about themselves in a neutral way. We often either label feedback positive or negative, and depending on the way we see ourselves, we accept the things that align with our view of ourselves, and reject the stuff that goes against it.

This is why people with low self-esteem often feel uncomfortable with compliments—it just doesn’t fit with the idea they have of themselves. For example, if we feel like we’re never good enough, then someone telling us we are good enough will likely go over our heads. We’ll either poke holes in the positive feedback by pointing out what we could’ve done better, reject it altogether, or deflect by paying the other person a compliment (because we feel guilty or fraudulent). However, when we have high self-esteem, we can acknowledge that we did well, all the while knowing there are always things to improve upon, but just taking that as learning without attacking ourselves.

So, if your self-esteem is low and someone tells you:

• “You did that job really well.”

You might think to yourself:

• “They’re just being polite.”
• “They don’t really mean it.”
• “If they really knew me, they wouldn’t say that.”

In psychological terms, this is sometimes called discounting the positive strokes. The praise is there, but the mind filters it out because it doesn’t fit with who you think you are.

Where Our Inner Voice Comes From

One helpful way to understand our inner voice comes from Transactional Analysis (TA), a psychological model that explores different “ego states” we operate from. According to this theory, our internal world is often shaped by three parts:

• Parent
• Adult
• Child

These aren’t literal roles, but psychological patterns we learned through relationships, and each has a specific voice attached to them.

• The Parent Voice
  • The Parent represents the messages we absorbed from authority figures growing up. These can be our actual parents, but also teachers, coaches, and other significant caregivers. Their messages might sound Critical:
    • “You should try harder.”
    • “Don’t embarrass yourself.”
    • “What will people think?”
    • “You’re capable of better than this.”
  • Or they can be Nurturing:
    • “You did a great job.”
    • “It’s okay, take your time.”
    • “Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out eventually.”

You can probably guess which one tends to dominate when self-esteem is low.

• The Child Voice
  • The Child part of us holds emotional memories, reactions, and beliefs that formed in early life. They might carry Free (spontaneous and playful) feelings like:
    • “Oh wow! They’re giving out free snacks!”
    • “Let’s do something different today; go on an adventure!”
    • “I love these silly, vibrant colours!”
  • Adapted responses, which often include a way to seek for someone’s approval or dropping into submissive compliance:
    • “Oh dear, I’d better make the right choice.”
    • “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”
  • Or Rebellious responses, which can include acting sulky or feeling petulant:
    • “That’s not fair!”
    • “I hate this, I’m not doing it.”
    • “Sod it, I know it’s wrong, but I’m going to do it anyway.”

These beliefs aren’t chosen deliberately. They often formed in response to early experiences.

• The Adult Voice
  • The Adult is the grounded, rational part of us that evaluates reality in the present moment. It’s the voice capable of saying:
    • “That mistake doesn’t define me.”
    • “I’m allowed to learn.”
    • “I can accept this compliment.”

So what I often try to do with clients is categorise the things they might say to themselves, and see if they can replace it with something that’s more Adult. This way, they can start to mediate between the Critical Parent and the vulnerable Child.

The Life Scripts We Learn Early

Transactional analysis also talks about something called life scripts. These are the unconscious narratives about who we are and how the world works. They often develop through repeated messages during childhood. For example, someone might grow up with subtle messages like:

• “You’re the difficult one.”
• “You’re the quiet one.”
• “You’re the responsible one.”
• “You’re the disappointing one.”

Over time, these messages can become internalised. Not necessarily as conscious beliefs, but as assumptions about our identity. This then in turn has an impact on our internal dialogue:

• “I’m the kind of person who always messes things up.”
• “People eventually realise I’m not good enough.”
• “I shouldn’t expect too much from life.”

These scripts bleed into all areas of our lives, and can thus shape how we approach relationships, work, success, and even happiness.

So then how do we rewrite these scripts?

Deciding Your Own Worth

One intervention I often use is helping people set their own expectations, rather than living by someone else’s. Setting your own parameters is a key component in deciding your own worth.

This involves exploring your values, what matters to you, and how you want to show up in the world. If something feels harsh or unrealistic, we might question whether an old script is still running. If it feels grounded and aligned, it’s often a sign we’re moving in the right direction. It can be incredibly empowering to finally let go of this idea that you’re “not good enough,” and start holding yourself accountable to standards that are kinder, more suitable, and are your own.

Because, ultimately, no one else gets to decide your worth.

Another thing I often to do is try to have someone build a positive relationship with their Inner Critic. Many of us hate this part of ourselves because of its destructive tendencies, but according to Internal Family Systems (IFS—another psychological framework), there are no bad parts, only parts that are trying to protect us. If someone has developed a particularly fierce inner critic, I will ask if I’m allowed to speak to that part of them, and I will ask why they’re being so hard on my client, and how they think that benefits them. This often reveals that the inner critic usually believes it’s helping.

For example, when it says, “You’re being so embarrassing,” it might be trying to protect you from rejection. Or when it says, “This isn’t good enough. You need to work harder,” they might believe they’re motivating you.

In TA terms, this often reflects an overactive Critical Parent, shaming you to keep you safe or by pushing you to perform.

The problem is that constant criticism rarely creates confidence. It usually creates anxiety, shame, or perfectionism.

So instead of trying to silence or push away the critic, we start to try and understand its intentions. Then, we can ask it to mellow out and not be so abusive, and start developing a more balanced voice.

Developing a Compassionate Inner Voice

One of the most powerful aspects of therapy is something called internalisation. Over time, clients often begin to internalise the therapist’s voice. Not in a dependency sense, but in a supportive one.

For example, if I consistently respond to you with warmth, curiosity, and compassion, that tone gradually becomes available to you internally. People sometimes tell me they were faced with their inner critic at some point during the week and asked themselves, “What would Wes say to me here?” It may sound a bit silly (and a little self-indulgent since I’m the one writing this post), but it’s actually just one of the many ways to access a more compassionate part of yourself. So, now, when a mistake happens, instead of the inner voice saying:

• “You’re useless.”

You might think:

• “That was difficult. What can I learn from this?”

You Can Improve Your Self-Esteem

Self-esteem isn’t just about thinking positively about yourself. It’s about understanding your internal dialogue, gaining insight into where it may have come from, and then changing the way you speak to yourself to ultimately cultivate a relationship with yourself that is kind and loving.

In a nutshell, the work often includes:

• Exploring how you see yourself (internally and externally)
• Understanding the origins of your inner critic
• Identifying childhood messages that shaped your self-image
• Recognising how you filter feedback
• Learning to receive positive recognition
• Developing a compassionate inner voice
• Challenging life scripts that no longer serve you
• Celebrating moments of growth

If You Struggle With Self-Esteem

If you’ve spent years believing you’re not good enough, it can feel strange—even uncomfortable—to imagine thinking differently about yourself. But, as you can hopefully see now, self-esteem isn’t fixed. It’s shaped by experiences, relationships, and the stories we tell ourselves.

And those stories can change.

Not through pressure or perfection, but through curiosity, compassion, and understanding where those inner voices came from in the first place.

Therapy can help you develop a relationship with yourself that feels steadier, kinder, and more realistic. Because the way you speak to yourself matters, and learning to change that conversation can be one of the most powerful shifts you make.

If my approach resonates with you, feel free to contact me to book in for a free, 20-minute consultation to discuss what this journey could look like for you.