Wes Woodland

Boundaries are often spoken about as though they are simply a communication skill. If somebody is asking too much of you, treating you in a way you dislike or intruding on your personal space, the advice can sound straightforward: be assertive, explain what you need and learn to say no.

Sometimes this is useful. However, it can also make setting boundaries seem much simpler than it actually is. For many people, the difficulty is not that they do not know the word “no.” It is that saying it can bring up guilt, fear and a deeply rooted sense that they are doing something wrong. You may know what you want to communicate but struggle to believe that you are entitled to communicate it.

Boundaries are not only about finding the right words. They are also about developing a sense that you are allowed to have limits, recognising where those limits are and maintaining your agency when somebody else does not like them.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries help us recognise where we end and another person begins. They allow us to make decisions about our bodies, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, time, energy and participation in relationships.

We can think about boundaries across several different areas:

• Physical boundaries concern things such as touch, personal space, privacy, possessions and sexual contact.
• Emotional boundaries include choosing how much we disclose, recognising that we can care about somebody without becoming responsible for managing their feelings, and deciding when we have the capacity to offer emotional support.
• Psychological boundaries protect our right to have our own thoughts, opinions, identity and interpretation of our experiences.
• Spiritual boundaries concern our values, faith, sense of meaning and freedom to hold, question or change our beliefs.

These boundaries will not necessarily look the same in every relationship. You may be comfortable with affection from one person but not another, willing to share something personal in one setting but not elsewhere, or open to discussing a disagreement with somebody who has shown that they can treat your perspective with respect.

Healthy boundaries are therefore not always rigid. They can move according to context, trust and safety while still protecting our autonomy and consent.

How We Learn What Is Permissible

Our earliest relationships often teach us whether our boundaries will be noticed and respected. A child may be pressured to hug a relative after saying that they do not want to. A parent might enter their room or search through their possessions without recognising their need for privacy. A teacher or coach may continue pushing after the child has said that they are hurt, exhausted or uncomfortable. A caregiver might respond to disagreement as though it were disobedience or rejection.

These experiences do not always appear dramatic from the outside. However, when they happen repeatedly, a child may begin to learn that other people’s expectations matter more than their own discomfort. They may learn that saying no leads to anger, ridicule, withdrawal or an argument they cannot win. Maintaining the relationship may depend upon giving in.

This can make it difficult to recognise your boundaries later in life. You may notice yourself feeling resentful, overwhelmed or uncomfortable without immediately understanding why. Perhaps you agree to something automatically and only realise afterwards that you did not want to do it. You may become highly attuned to what everybody else needs while remaining uncertain about your own preferences.

In this context, struggling with boundaries is not simply a failure to be assertive. It may be an understandable way of protecting relationships that once felt necessary for safety, care or belonging.

A Boundary Is Not the Same as Control

An important distinction is that boundaries concern our own choices and participation. Control attempts to dictate what another person must do, think or feel.

For example:

• “If you shout at me, I will end the conversation and we can return to it when we are calmer” establishes a limit around what the speaker will participate in.
• “You are not allowed to be angry with me” attempts to control the other person’s emotional experience.

We cannot always stop somebody from behaving in a particular way. What we can do is decide how we will respond, what we will remain present for and, in some circumstances, whether we want to continue participating in the relationship.

This distinction can be uncomfortable because setting a boundary does not guarantee that you will receive the response you would like. The other person may feel disappointed, become angry, withdraw or try to negotiate it away. You might then feel compelled to explain yourself more thoroughly, soften what you said or abandon the boundary in order to restore the relationship.

Maintaining a boundary can therefore sometimes require considerable courage and conviction. It may mean reminding yourself that another person’s unhappiness does not automatically mean that you have done something wrong. Sometimes it involves breathing, remaining grounded and kindly repeating what has already been said: “You’re not hearing me. I’m saying that I’m not willing to do this.”

The aim is not to become cold or indifferent to other people’s feelings. It is to remain connected to yourself while those feelings exist.

Why “Just Say No” Is Not Always Enough

There are also circumstances in which communicating a boundary carries genuine risk. Differences in power can affect what is realistically possible. Saying no to a controlling partner, an abusive family member, an employer or somebody upon whom you depend may lead to retaliation, punishment, financial consequences or threats to your safety.

Encouraging somebody to become more assertive without understanding their circumstances can place responsibility on them for a situation they do not fully control. Sometimes the most appropriate work is not practising a stronger way of saying no. It is recognising the risks, finding support and considering what options are safely available.

Even when there is no immediate danger, the fear of rupture may still feel very real. You may have learned through earlier relationships that setting a limit causes people to withdraw love or affection. Part of developing healthier boundaries can therefore involve learning to survive the guilt, anxiety or uncertainty that follows, rather than treating those feelings as evidence that your boundary was wrong.

If you struggle to believe that you are personally worth protecting, it can sometimes help to begin with the wider principle. Would you want somebody else to feel obliged to accept the same treatment? What might you want to model for a child, a friend or somebody else watching you? Over time, this can become a way of extending the same respect to yourself.

Boundaries Should Not Become Walls

If your boundaries have repeatedly been ignored, rigid self-protection can make sense. Keeping people at a distance may feel safer than risking being pressured, controlled or overwhelmed again. However, boundaries that never move can eventually become walls.

There is an important difference between choosing not to be vulnerable with somebody who has not earned your trust and becoming unable to be vulnerable with anyone. Hyper-independence can protect against disappointment, but it can also leave little room for support, intimacy or mutual dependence.

The aim is not to make every boundary firmer. It is to become more aware of what you need in different contexts. A healthy boundary may be strong where safety is uncertain and more flexible where trust has developed. It allows you to move closer to somebody without losing your sense of self.

Therapeutic work around boundaries can involve helping you identify where your limits actually are, notice what happens in your thoughts, feelings and body when they are crossed, and understand why certain relationships make them particularly difficult to maintain. It can also provide somewhere to practise communicating boundaries and learn how to tolerate the emotional consequences of no longer responding in the way other people expect.

Ultimately, boundaries are not about shutting people out or forcing them to behave as we would like. They are about making it possible to remain in relationship with others without repeatedly abandoning ourselves.