When people talk about depression, they often describe it through the things that disappear. They might say they have lost their motivation, that they no longer enjoy things they used to enjoy, or that even simple tasks feel exhausting. They might describe feeling tired, disconnected, overwhelmed, or unable to see a way forward. These descriptions are all true, but I sometimes wonder whether they fully capture what depression actually feels like from the inside.
For many people, depression is not simply an absence of happiness. It can feel like losing access to important parts of yourself. Hope can feel distant. The future can become difficult to imagine. Things that once felt meaningful can start to feel strangely far away. Even emotions that might normally help someone respond to their situation, such as anger or frustration, can become harder to access.
I often think of depression as a place someone finds themselves in, rather than simply a collection of symptoms they experience. It is not a place someone chooses to enter, but somewhere they may arrive after a long period of struggling, adapting, coping, or feeling overwhelmed.
When someone is in this state, I often describe it as feeling like they are stuck in mud or a swamp. Movement becomes difficult; the more someone tries to move, the more exhausting it can feel. Eventually, staying still can begin to feel like the only option.
This is part of what makes depression so difficult to understand. From the outside, it can sometimes look like someone is not trying, or that they simply need to make different choices. But from the inside, depression can feel like a state where the energy required to make those changes has disappeared. It is not necessarily that someone does not want things to be different; it is that the part of them experiencing depression cannot see how change is possible.
This is one of the reasons I think it is important to understand depression as something someone is experiencing, rather than something that defines who they are.
Understanding Depression as a Part of You
When someone says, “I am depressed,” I often invite them to experiment with slightly different language: “A part of me is feeling depressed.”
This idea comes from parts work, which is something I also use when working with anxiety. The purpose is not to minimise someone’s experience or suggest that depression is not real (depression can be incredibly consuming, and for some people it can feel as though it has taken over every area of their life). However, there is a difference between believing that depression is the entirety of who you are and recognising that a part of you is currently experiencing depression.
Often, there is another part of the person that is not depressed. It is the part that has reached out for counselling, the part that is wondering whether things could be different, and the part that still has some connection to hope, even if that hope feels very small.
A significant part of therapy can be helping someone reconnect with this part of themselves. Not by ignoring the Depressed Part or trying to force it away, but by creating some space between the person and the experience they are currently trapped within.
Understanding the Depressed Part Before Challenging It
One of the first things I often do with clients is help them understand what happens during a depressive episode. I will ask questions such as: What were you thinking? What were you feeling? What was happening in your body? What did you notice yourself doing differently? What happened before you entered that state?
The aim is to become curious about depression rather than simply viewing it as something that needs to be removed, because once someone understands their own patterns, they can begin to move from asking, “What is wrong with me?” towards asking, “What happens to me when I get into this state?”
This can be a really important shift. Instead of feeling completely powerless, someone can begin to understand the process of depression and where they might have influence.
Sometimes, when a client becomes connected to the Depressed Part in the therapy room, we will slow down and explore it. We might look at what that part believes, what it is feeling, and what it is trying to communicate. We can become curious about the experience rather than immediately trying to push it away.
But I also think it is important to recognise that depression can be a very sticky place.
The nature of depression is that it can convince someone to remain there. The depressed part may believe that change is too difficult, that trying is pointless, or that there is no energy available to do anything differently. This does not mean someone is choosing depression or that they want to suffer. Rather, it reflects how powerful and convincing this state can become.
Creating Movement When Depression Feels Stuck
When someone is deeply depressed, they can often become trapped in thinking. Their mind may repeatedly analyse problems, focus on what has gone wrong, or reinforce beliefs that things cannot change. And although reflection and understanding are important, sometimes thinking alone keeps someone stuck, which is why I often focus on helping clients create movement again.
Using concepts such as the CBT triangle, we can explore the relationship between thoughts, feelings and behaviours. When someone is depressed, it is common to wait until they feel motivated before taking action. However, sometimes the action needs to come first, and the feelings begin to follow.
This might involve very small steps: getting out of bed, making the bed, brushing your teeth, going for a walk, reconnecting with routines, or looking after basic needs such as sleep and nutrition.
These things may sound simple, but when someone is depressed, even simple tasks can require a significant amount of effort.
The purpose of these actions is not to pretend depression is not there. Instead, they begin to create evidence that someone can influence their own experience. That way, over time, someone may start to notice: “I felt like I could not do that, but I did,” and this can begin to rebuild trust in themselves. They start to reconnect with a sense of agency and the possibility that they can move through difficult emotional states.
As someone becomes more familiar with depression, they may also become better at recognising it earlier. Instead of being completely overwhelmed by the state, they may notice the thoughts and patterns beginning to appear and respond differently. They might reconnect with what matters to them, remind themselves of what they want from life, or choose actions that move them towards the person they want to be.
Balancing Support and Challenge in Therapy
My understanding of working with depression has also developed over time.
Coming from a Person-Centred background, I originally believed strongly in the importance of sitting alongside someone in their pain and trusting that, through being understood and accepted, something would naturally begin to shift. I still believe there is a lot of value in this.
However, my experience working within a high support, high challenge environment has also shown me that some people need more than empathy and acceptance alone. Sometimes, too much support towards the depressed part can unintentionally reinforce the belief that someone is unable to move, and can become enabling.
For some people, challenge can become a catalyst for change.
The important thing is that challenge has to come from within a strong therapeutic relationship. It is not about telling someone to simply “snap out of it” or pushing them before they are ready. It’s about helping someone reconnect with their autonomy and recognising that, while their depression makes sense, they still have some ability to influence what happens next.
Sometimes this means gently exploring the parts of someone that resist change. It might mean asking questions such as, “What do you think needs to happen here?” or “What are you going to do with this?”
These conversations can feel uncomfortable, but discomfort does not always mean something is wrong. Sometimes emotions such as frustration or anger can actually represent movement.
Depression can often involve feeling disconnected from yourself and your own needs. Anger, on the other hand, can contain a sense of energy. It can communicate: “Something is not okay,” or “Something needs to change.”
When this happens within a safe therapeutic relationship, even difficult emotions can become opportunities to reconnect with the parts of ourselves that still care.
Moving Towards a Life That Feels Meaningful
While reducing symptoms of depression is an important goal, I think meaningful change often involves looking beyond simply wanting depression to stop. A useful question can therefore become: If depression was no longer taking up so much space, what would you want your life to move towards?
What matters to you? What gives your life meaning? What kind of relationships, experiences or values do you want to reconnect with?
I often bring in existential approaches and ACT-based ideas around values because I think human beings need more than just the absence of suffering. We need connection, purpose and a sense that our lives have meaning.
For me, the work is not about forcing someone out of depression. It is about helping them understand the experience, reconnect with their own agency, and begin creating movement towards a life that feels more aligned with who they are.
The Depressed Part may feel powerful, but it is not the whole of someone. Alongside it is often another part that still wants to connect, experience, grow and live.
Therapy can become a place where that part begins to have more of a voice again.
I offer counselling for depression online or face-to-face from my garden cabin in Blandford Forum.
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